Today, we check in with some (made-up) thoughts from the 1975 Hostess card of new Hall of Famer Ted Simmons on his 72nd birthday.
Here, have a gander:
Check prices on eBay (affiliate link)
Check prices on Amazon (affiliate link)
Now, what do you think young Simba is thinking there?
Here are a few potential thought bubbles we might attribute to that classic confectionary cardboard, were we so inclined to such make-believe …
- I’m kind of a big deal around here.
- You got something to say about that?
- Hey, look — I’m a catcher …
- … and I’m standing here with a bat on my left shoulder …
- … with my left hand on top.
- So … I’m a lefty catcher — or am I fooling you?
- Both — righty behind the plate, switch hitter at the plate. Ha!
- You like my long hair, don’t you. Even though you complain about it to your group — “Hippie!” you tell your friends.
- But when the evening sun at the ballpark burns your balding scalp … and when you gaze at your fading hairline in the mirror at night? Yeah, you envy my simple, though still extravagant, coif.
- I drove in over 100 runs last year and made my third All-Star Game. And I’m just 25 this year.
- Yeah, this year will be even better. And there are better better ones ahead. Count on it.
- I’m the future.
- What do you have going on?
- I’ll still be doing this in a decade. Maybe even 15 years.
- And, as God is my witness, I’m going to play in a World Series in St. Louis.
- Even if I have to be a Wallbanger to do it.
- You may forget about me, but I’ll sneak up on you in the end.
- Someday, you’ll look up from your phone, pull down your mask, and drop your jaw when you realize I’m headed for Cooperstown.
- Someday, I’ll get my due.
Today, that ‘75 Hostess hardly ever comes up for sale in graded form, with PSA listing just two sales in their registry: $34 for a PSA 9 copy and $172 for a PSA 10 copy, both in 2017.
You can occasionally find raw copies of the card, usually in pretty rough shape, with single-digit prices the norm.
As Simmons prepares to get that due (HOF induction is on September 8), his cocky-looking 1975 Hostess card is a relic of the past, but a fitting reminder that you never really know what the future holds or what sort of fire burns in a young man’s belly.